Subtitiles to “the truth about vanity car mirrors” Special thanks to Mizugorou for transcribing this.
Why hello there! Today we’re gonna talk about something incredibly serious business: car mirrors.
And I know some of you are going “Oh hey Catie, what’s so serious business about car mirrors?” Well I’ll tell you what’s so serious business about car mirrors: they’re from the devil, OK?
And I know this because I take my little sister to school sometimes and my classes starts thirty minutes after hers do and so I’m sitting in the parking lot going all “Oh what do I do with all this free time?” and I decided that I would put on make-up and that was a bad decision because those car mirrors enhance everything wrong with you.
And I mean everyone, this is everyone. I have ne[ver]- like, I discovered this many years ago but it’s only really started affecting me, very recently because I have to do my make-up in this little fucking ugly car mirror every single day and it, it’s just, it’s just as awful you know cause in reality it’s like you look like this, but then you open those car mirrors and you look like this:
HOLY SHIT! I look like an Oompa Loompa. Oh I need to get some sleep. OMG I need to get my eyebrows done. OMG why are my lips so gray ugh! It’s like I have a disease. I thought I put on lipstick. OMG I swear I was more precise than that. Oh god, oh WTF OMG I got a crowsfeet. What the hell is going on! Why am I so orange! OMG that is so much blood. OMG my neck is a completely different color than my face, it’s like I’m wearing a mask! Jesus Catie, have you ever heard of blending! What’s going on with my hair! Why it is so greasy, I washed it this morning! What are those black things on my nose and cheeks are those… are those my pores? WTF! I didn’t know I had such huge pores! Oh why it’s all this news coming to me today!?
I know, isn’t that awful? But don’t worry, don’t trust it. Trust whatever mirror that you did your make-up in at home, trust, you know, or did your hair for guys. And guys, this totally counts for you too because if you’re not wearing make-up, God help you! God help you! Your self-esteem will be non-existent. It’s like the worst thing that could ever happen ever! So, don’t look at those car mirrors, especially if like you’re having a good day like you’re feeling good about yourself, you’re like “Aw yeah it is a good day I’m just gonna make sure my hair still looks OK”. So pop open that car mirror – NO! Don’t do it! It will ruin your day! And I just- I just want to get this message out there to don’t use the car mirrors unless you’re prepared for looking like shit. Because- but you don’t really look like shit. Because if you really looked like the way that those mirrors make you look people would be like looking at you like WTF is going on with that person’s face? Like WTF? But they’re not because you look beautiful. You’re just gorgeous, OK? So don’t trust the car mirrors! It’s very important. This means a lot to me *sigh* OK *sigh*. I’m glad I got that out of my system.